(One of America's Favorite Dys"FUN"ctional Families!)
All families have drama in one fashion or another. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a relatively functional family. Both of my parents are still married to each other after 44 years. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister and we all still speak to each other. Christmas and other holidays tend to go by without too much incidence!
Now, that is not to say that we're The Waltons either! :) Growing up in a large family for me meant no family dinners, busy schedules, not really knowing my older brother Bob as he went to college before my memory really begins, etc. We've also had our fair share of real-deal issues. Confrontations, financial struggles within the family, wedding drama, in-law drama, etc.
However, I've never really had to sit back and watch something that I had said my say about the situation and things weren't exactly working out as they should.
That's one issue with my family... we all tend to get involved! Even when it may not be the best idea. Everyone has good intentions. We care so much about each other that we get emotional and want to step in and make everything better.
As a mom I have complete and total control over what my kids do. And though they do things that I'm not happy about at times, I have the opportunity to deal out whatever consequence I see fit at that time to teach them the "right" way of handling things. Of course considering that my children are 3 and 4 the wrong-doings at this point tend to involve saying "poopie" to the point of driving me crazy, or throwing food, or something of that nature. :) And consequences are mostly losing toys, privleges, etc. So I have no idea what it is like to counsel one of my children and for them to make a decision contradictory to what I believe. They say as a parent, this is one of the hardest things to deal with. Learning to deal with the thought of, "I've taught them the best I can and now I can only be there to support them in the decisions they make as they are old enough to make those decisions on their own."
Well, I'm semi dealing with that now when it comes to my 18 year old niece. Unfortunately, she was one of the statics that ended up getting pregnant at the age of 16. Daddy is the first boyfriend she's ever had, and so she has extreme limited experience in the knowledge of whatelse may be out there. In addition to those already daunting issues, this all happened in the little town of Franklin, Georgia. It's mine and Adam's version of hell on earth!
Adam actually grew up there, and I lived there for awhile and that is how we met. It is a very small town. One of those places where everyone knows everyone else and everyone knows everyone elses' business! An unknowing person could drive through and think, "Ah... look at this cute little place. This sweet little community of people all coming together. Some type of Little House on the Prairie Situation!" They would be wrong!
That would all be true if people did what they did for the right reasons. Unfortunately, that tends to not be the case. Everyone is just being nosey. It's a competition of who's better than who. Now to be fair... maybe this is my opinion because I was an "Outsider." Literally termed just that. We moved there because my mother's family is seriously like 60 people large, and 95% of them live in that town!! They love it. It's what they know. But I was born near Atlanta, and "us city-folk" were just different and silly. So I had a lot of friends, and some great memories there, but never was quite accepted into the community as neither was the rest of my family. Ultimately, we moved back to the suburbs of Atlanta shortly before I graduated from High-School. Most teenage girls nightmare... was perfectly fine by me!
Ok.. so back to my niece..
Not a lot to do in Franklin, so kids seem to get in a lot of trouble. Everyone thinks it's the perfect place to raise kids. But I must say that I grew up around things that my friends in the city had never come near! What do you do on a Friday night in the middle of a corn field???
However, it's not that unusual to get married right out of high school. Of course high school pregnancy is taboo, but the natural solution to my niece's issue was for her to marry the Daddy and live a "normal" life. Adam and I and several of my other family members were NOT in favor of this. But, my sister was adamant about supporting her, which we all did of course, and so married she became.
Well.... needless to say, it didn't take long for the "fun" aspect of being married to wear off. That happens to solid marriages when you have babies, much less with a 19 and 17 year old. My niece goes to tech school part-time and takes care of the baby while he works full-time to support them. The "plan" is that when she graduates and gets a job as an ultrasound tech., he'll pursue his college career to become a teacher.
Here's the problem... does a 20 year old "boy" (and I use that term in its most literal sense) want to be at home with his young wife and fussy baby after working all day when his other 20 year old friends are all hanging out at buddy #1's college apartment playing xbox? Typically not. On top of that these kids don't even know who they really are. They've since discovered that they are two totally different people who want completely different things in life. I think they described it as, "he/she is not the type of person who I would have ended up with in the long run." So why's it ok for you guys to be fooling around in the first place, right? :)
Anyways, so after the sweet, fun stage ended, marriage life wasn't so cool anymore. A reality for adults, an even more reality for teenagers. They're kids trying to deal with issues that they are SO not ready for nor mature enough to handle.
My family and I have intervened/supported a couple of times not to far in the past as he's left her a couple of times, and so I've tried to be there to support her. My opinion honestly, I think they should cut their loses.. I know that may not be right. I am definitely NOT a supporter of divorce. I truly believe if two people commit to each other they should do everything they can to stick it out through, "better or worse." But this is not your typical situation, and I just foresee the next several years of unnecessary hardship.
Well, so far they're sticking it out, but now his mother is getting involved. She marched herself over to their house last night with her ex-husband, and ex-live-in boyfriend to proclaim her dissatisfaction with my niece. She's made it very clear that she thinks he should leave her because it's her responsibility to keep the house clean, pick up after him, take care of the baby, the house and everything else. Sound like that 1960's catalog I mentioned in a previous blog? He said he wouldn't leave her, but wants my niece to allow her to come over and fix their house up and then come over for regular house inspections (they live in one of her houses)!!! I of course was like WTF!! I would have told Adam's mother to go $%&* herself, and if Adam wasn't on board, he could to. My nieces solution is to move out. Sounds logical, but her husband doesn't support that.
So here is a woman currently dating two guys. One of which she just divorced, which makes her 3rd divorce, bitching my niece out for not being a good wife????????
I want sooooo badly to call this woman up and put her in her place. BUT... I am not sure this is the "right" thing to do?? I try so hard to counsel my niece simply to stand up for herself. She's not a freaking doormat, and doesn't have to sit there and be reprimanded in that way, but she just doesn't have it in her.
So here's the issue.... do I sit back and let her learn the hard way?? Do I even have a choice??
I HATE this! I just don't get why she doesn't get it!!
My conclusion... this is one of those moments where I am so grateful that my kids are little! :)
I'll keep you posted about what happens. I just keep praying for the best!
Until then...
K :)
Now, that is not to say that we're The Waltons either! :) Growing up in a large family for me meant no family dinners, busy schedules, not really knowing my older brother Bob as he went to college before my memory really begins, etc. We've also had our fair share of real-deal issues. Confrontations, financial struggles within the family, wedding drama, in-law drama, etc.
However, I've never really had to sit back and watch something that I had said my say about the situation and things weren't exactly working out as they should.
That's one issue with my family... we all tend to get involved! Even when it may not be the best idea. Everyone has good intentions. We care so much about each other that we get emotional and want to step in and make everything better.
As a mom I have complete and total control over what my kids do. And though they do things that I'm not happy about at times, I have the opportunity to deal out whatever consequence I see fit at that time to teach them the "right" way of handling things. Of course considering that my children are 3 and 4 the wrong-doings at this point tend to involve saying "poopie" to the point of driving me crazy, or throwing food, or something of that nature. :) And consequences are mostly losing toys, privleges, etc. So I have no idea what it is like to counsel one of my children and for them to make a decision contradictory to what I believe. They say as a parent, this is one of the hardest things to deal with. Learning to deal with the thought of, "I've taught them the best I can and now I can only be there to support them in the decisions they make as they are old enough to make those decisions on their own."
Well, I'm semi dealing with that now when it comes to my 18 year old niece. Unfortunately, she was one of the statics that ended up getting pregnant at the age of 16. Daddy is the first boyfriend she's ever had, and so she has extreme limited experience in the knowledge of whatelse may be out there. In addition to those already daunting issues, this all happened in the little town of Franklin, Georgia. It's mine and Adam's version of hell on earth!
Adam actually grew up there, and I lived there for awhile and that is how we met. It is a very small town. One of those places where everyone knows everyone else and everyone knows everyone elses' business! An unknowing person could drive through and think, "Ah... look at this cute little place. This sweet little community of people all coming together. Some type of Little House on the Prairie Situation!" They would be wrong!
That would all be true if people did what they did for the right reasons. Unfortunately, that tends to not be the case. Everyone is just being nosey. It's a competition of who's better than who. Now to be fair... maybe this is my opinion because I was an "Outsider." Literally termed just that. We moved there because my mother's family is seriously like 60 people large, and 95% of them live in that town!! They love it. It's what they know. But I was born near Atlanta, and "us city-folk" were just different and silly. So I had a lot of friends, and some great memories there, but never was quite accepted into the community as neither was the rest of my family. Ultimately, we moved back to the suburbs of Atlanta shortly before I graduated from High-School. Most teenage girls nightmare... was perfectly fine by me!
Ok.. so back to my niece..
Not a lot to do in Franklin, so kids seem to get in a lot of trouble. Everyone thinks it's the perfect place to raise kids. But I must say that I grew up around things that my friends in the city had never come near! What do you do on a Friday night in the middle of a corn field???
However, it's not that unusual to get married right out of high school. Of course high school pregnancy is taboo, but the natural solution to my niece's issue was for her to marry the Daddy and live a "normal" life. Adam and I and several of my other family members were NOT in favor of this. But, my sister was adamant about supporting her, which we all did of course, and so married she became.
Well.... needless to say, it didn't take long for the "fun" aspect of being married to wear off. That happens to solid marriages when you have babies, much less with a 19 and 17 year old. My niece goes to tech school part-time and takes care of the baby while he works full-time to support them. The "plan" is that when she graduates and gets a job as an ultrasound tech., he'll pursue his college career to become a teacher.
Here's the problem... does a 20 year old "boy" (and I use that term in its most literal sense) want to be at home with his young wife and fussy baby after working all day when his other 20 year old friends are all hanging out at buddy #1's college apartment playing xbox? Typically not. On top of that these kids don't even know who they really are. They've since discovered that they are two totally different people who want completely different things in life. I think they described it as, "he/she is not the type of person who I would have ended up with in the long run." So why's it ok for you guys to be fooling around in the first place, right? :)
Anyways, so after the sweet, fun stage ended, marriage life wasn't so cool anymore. A reality for adults, an even more reality for teenagers. They're kids trying to deal with issues that they are SO not ready for nor mature enough to handle.
My family and I have intervened/supported a couple of times not to far in the past as he's left her a couple of times, and so I've tried to be there to support her. My opinion honestly, I think they should cut their loses.. I know that may not be right. I am definitely NOT a supporter of divorce. I truly believe if two people commit to each other they should do everything they can to stick it out through, "better or worse." But this is not your typical situation, and I just foresee the next several years of unnecessary hardship.
Well, so far they're sticking it out, but now his mother is getting involved. She marched herself over to their house last night with her ex-husband, and ex-live-in boyfriend to proclaim her dissatisfaction with my niece. She's made it very clear that she thinks he should leave her because it's her responsibility to keep the house clean, pick up after him, take care of the baby, the house and everything else. Sound like that 1960's catalog I mentioned in a previous blog? He said he wouldn't leave her, but wants my niece to allow her to come over and fix their house up and then come over for regular house inspections (they live in one of her houses)!!! I of course was like WTF!! I would have told Adam's mother to go $%&* herself, and if Adam wasn't on board, he could to. My nieces solution is to move out. Sounds logical, but her husband doesn't support that.
So here is a woman currently dating two guys. One of which she just divorced, which makes her 3rd divorce, bitching my niece out for not being a good wife????????
I want sooooo badly to call this woman up and put her in her place. BUT... I am not sure this is the "right" thing to do?? I try so hard to counsel my niece simply to stand up for herself. She's not a freaking doormat, and doesn't have to sit there and be reprimanded in that way, but she just doesn't have it in her.
So here's the issue.... do I sit back and let her learn the hard way?? Do I even have a choice??
I HATE this! I just don't get why she doesn't get it!!
My conclusion... this is one of those moments where I am so grateful that my kids are little! :)
I'll keep you posted about what happens. I just keep praying for the best!
Until then...
K :)
7 comments:
I LOVE Married with Children, I actually just bought Todd the series DVD for Christmas :)
This is such a hard situation for you Kellye...Even if she is young,,,she needs to make her OWN decisions and make her OWN mistakes...but be there to comfort her..You can give her advice, but it will be Her choice at the end!
BUT, you are telling her the right things by NOT being a doormat and to stand up for herself!!
The Mother-in-Law sounds like a real WINNER...Ya you need to tell that dummy to shut the %%%% UP :) and get control of her messed up life :) LETS HOPE SHE DOESN"T READ YOUR BLOG (YIKES)
Mel's advice is great. I will keep my fingers crossed that things work out for the best with your neice and Klay.
When I was 20, I was still saying "poopie" and throwing my toys at my friends. No matter how badly you want to impart wisdom and knowledge on your neice, stay away before "big mama" involves her and her two "bubbas" in your affairs.
The only thing this story was missing was a reference to the "stars and bars," and chewing tobacco. ;)
Married with Children was one of my favs...
As a mom I have complete and total control over what my kids do.
Ummmm... Riiiiight! :-) The little hellions have minds of their own! ROFL!!! You will learn that we are more like channels rather than hoses. directing the water without any real control over where it goes!
I feel for your neice. It's like a whole nuther world. The sad part is that most people don't realize that you have to work hard to make a marriage successful. It has to be win-win-win, and their lack of maturity will hinder their ability to see and do this. That's where you can help. Don't tell them what to do. Teach them how to do it.
And if its not win-win-win, then yes, they need to walk away....
Hey Kellye - I'm from a big family too. I have two sisters and two brothers so it's just the opposite. I'm fortunate as well that my parents are still together. Of course we're not the perfect family....I don't think it exists, but what makes family amazing is working through those tough things like getting all involved...I hope it works out...
I actually found you on someone elses triathlon blog. I'm training for a tri and hope to complete my first sprint level this summer. Any wisdom is appreciated...;0)
and how cool, your you tube ironman finish! love it. so inspiring.
Hey Kellye,
This is interesting since your brother & I usually get the "everything's fine" response when we ask how things are going. You're a good aunt to support "the niece." The "good" I see in this situation is that it serves as a GREAT & POWERFUL lesson to my girls & "the niece's" sister & your girl that the time to make GOOD, SMART & BRAVE decisions is when your 16!!! I know it's hard to say NO to those raging hormones but it's a heck-of-a-lot easier than living in the situation that "the niece" now finds herself in. She's just a baby herself... and even if she doesn't take your advice now... eventually she'll realize you were older, wiser and RIGHT!!!
Love ya!
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